(Step 5 -- Integrity)
Integrity: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles that you refuse to change.
-Cambridge Dictionary
These twelve steps have been challenging to the point that, it's taken me ten days, from the previous step to the current. It's now time for me to delve into the topic of integrity. I remember the first time the word integrity was really broken down for me; it was during a time when I was reading the book, "the power of self-discipline", by Brian Tracy. His words spoke to me so much that, I ended up getting a journal, to track my level of integrity by the month.
The months when I was sober, that journal's pages were filled with energetic writings about my journey through the month. Those months when I spent days in a row, procrastinating, getting high and drunk, opening that journal became an extremely tedious task. It turns out I'm simply not one of those who can steadily get high and drunk, while still maintaining focus of what matters. When I get into that zone, it seems nothings matters as much as getting high does. That is not what I aim for, but if my actions determine my objectives, then during those months, escaping reality becomes my top priority.
If you are like me, and are also on a recovery journey, I hope you do get in touch; let's do this together.
At this point in the twelve steps program, I can't help but admit that integrity is perhaps my weakest quality, when I'm escaping reality. At the same time, it's clear to see that, when I'm striving not to escape, my practice of integrity gains stronger ground. Honestly, escaping reality was never the best choice to make; not to blame myself, but simply admitting as I cast my mind back to how it all started, a little exercise of integrity in that moment of the first temptation, would have saved me years of struggle in the realms of addiction.
I knew it was toxic, but I chose "fun and adventure" over facts; you did not deserve that. What you deserve is a sane woman, using her power of freewill and intelligence, to steer you in the direction of your best self. This is what I'm willing to do, going forward. If you still exists in some dimension, I hope you look at me and express gratitude, because your older version, did not just grow in years, but in wisdom, self-compassion and integrity.
The person in recovery must admit their wrongs in front of their higher power and another person.
-Verywellmind.com
Therefore, here I am God; I admit I was wrong to let myself go-- gradually getting more used to running away, than I got to fighting for the progress of this precious life you blessed with.
Here I am reader, it was wrong for me to keep intoxicating myself gradually, to the point of total dependence on substances that weren't serving me; rather helping me erase many good parts of me.
I'm ready to let my light shine now; ready to show up for myself. It's not going to be easy, just because I'm ready -- I know this, so hopefully it makes me more prepared than ever before, for the battle ahead.
Thanks for reading to the end. Stay Blessed.
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